Thursday, September 24, 2009
" For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)
Last night I laid in bed and just had to Thank God over and over for the life HE has given me. Through my life I use to think that I was the one in control, the one who was making all these big decisions. When in fact HE was in total control at all times. When the things that were happening didn't make sense.
Im not saying the I didn't make some choices, some very poor choices, because I did. But even then God used those sins to change me, to lead me down his path further.
Who knew! God had a plan all along for a lonely little girl who was born from irresponsibility and rejected from the very beginning of life.
Through out my childhood I sought acceptance and unconditional love and never received it. From a very early age I realized that the love that was in my family was conditional. I felt it at such a young age, maybe around 4-5 years old. I thought that if I did something wrong or something that my Mother didn't approve of, I would be shunned. I wouldn't be worthy of love anymore. And even when I was walking on the thin straight line my family expected of me, I still felt unloved. I needed to do something special to be loved. So I started lying, telling stories. Anything that would shine a light on me. So I could be noticed and they would realize how special I was and that I deserved love.
Even as I grew older it didn't stop, even when I knew that there was nothing I could do to receive that unconditional love from them. I still seeked it out. But then it was from others. Men, friends, employers. I got married at a young age. I also got divorced at a young age. Life was so crazy back then. Little did I know God had a plan to get me out of that place and give me all the love that I so craved in life.
Once I met my husband I had been down in a pit so long that I didn't believe it was possible to be pulled out of it.
But I took a leap of faith and followed God's plan instead of my own. It took me to Texas. So far away from all I knew and thought I wanted. It took me to Motherhood, something I thought for sure I never wanted. God's plan gave me love like I never thought was possible.
When I had Cheyenne I finally realized that there was nothing she could do to earn my love and there was nothing she could do to make me stop loving her either.
I realized all that time I spend trying to please my Mother and family was pointless. It wasn't anything to do with me. It was all them. I was always worthy of love and acceptance. And the fact is I had always had it, I just was looking in the wrong places.
I tried my Mother's way for raising my child for a short while, but was left feeling so empty and torn from my actions. I finally asked God to use me, to use my brokenness to make me a better mother. And HE did!
I tried those same mistakes with my husband and again it didn't work out very well. And again I prayed asking the Lord to forgive me and heal me and my relationship. And HE did! My marriage has never been stronger! Of coarse these things took lots of work, but the Lord gave me the ability to change!
Through out all the hard times God always had a plan. A plan to pluck a lonely little girl out of her circumstances and put her in a place where she would have more love and acceptance then she knows what to do with!
GOD is Good!
"Circumstances aren’t the barometer of God’s love and goodness—the cross is."